Start here
- Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving, Pete Walker. Emotional flashbacks, the inner critic, the 4Fs. The closest match to our C-PTSD guide.
- The Body Keeps the Score, Bessel van der Kolk. How trauma lives in the body.
- Healing the Shame That Binds You, John Bradshaw. The difference between healthy shame and the toxic shame that runs so many of these patterns.
Trauma and the nervous system
- Trauma and Recovery, Judith Herman. The book that first described complex trauma, and the stages of recovering from it.
- Waking the Tiger, Peter Levine. The starting point for Somatic Experiencing, the approach behind our body work.
- Anchored, Deb Dana. Polyvagal theory made practical, with short exercises.
- What Happened to You?, Bruce Perry and Oprah Winfrey. Moves the question from "what's wrong with you?" to "what happened to you?".
- The Myth of Normal, Gabor Maté. Trauma, stress and illness in modern life.
Family, parents and where it comes from
- It Didn't Start With You, Mark Wolynn. How family trauma can be passed down through generations.
- Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, Lindsay C. Gibson. Clear, kind and widely recommended.
- Toxic Parents, Susan Forward. A classic on growing up with controlling, critical or abusive parents.
- Will I Ever Be Good Enough?, Karyl McBride. For daughters of narcissistic mothers.
- Running on Empty, Jonice Webb. Childhood emotional neglect: what happens when what you needed simply wasn't there.
- The Drama of the Gifted Child, Alice Miller. How children learn to meet a parent's needs at the cost of their own.
- Extraordinary Relationships, Roberta Gilbert. The most readable way into Bowen family systems theory: how families work as one emotional unit, and how to become more yourself within yours.
- Family Evaluation, Michael Kerr and Murray Bowen. Bowen family systems theory from the man who developed it, with his long-time colleague. Deeper going, but the source of ideas like "differentiation of self".
Recognising narcissistic patterns in yourself
- How to Stop Being a Narcissist, Lucas Bailey.
- How to Stop Being Toxic and a Narcissist Workbook, Caleb Peterson.
- Rethinking Narcissism, Craig Malkin. Narcissism as a spectrum, not a monster label, and hopeful about change.
- I Don't Want to Talk About It, Terrence Real. Hidden depression in men, and how it turns into grandiosity, control and withdrawal.
- Why Won't You Apologize?, Harriet Lerner. Why apologising is so hard, and how to do it properly. A natural partner to our "Taking Responsibility" and "Repair" areas.
Partners of narcissists and controlling relationships
- It's Not You, Ramani Durvasula. Recovering from narcissistic relationships of every kind.
- Why Does He Do That?, Lundy Bancroft. For anyone trying to understand controlling or abusive behaviour in a partner.
- Becoming the Narcissist's Nightmare, Shahida Arabi. Recognising manipulation and rebuilding after it.
- Codependent No More, Melody Beattie. The classic on losing yourself in looking after someone else.
- The Power of Parting, Eamon Dolan. On the end of a relationship.
Attachment, love and repair
- Attached, Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. Attachment styles in adult relationships.
- Hold Me Tight, Sue Johnson. Emotionally focused therapy for couples, written for couples.
- Us, Terrence Real. Moving from "you and me" to "us" in a relationship.
- I Want This to Work, Elizabeth Earnshaw. Practical help for couples working through hard patches.
- It Begins with You, Jillian Turecki. The relationship you have with yourself shapes every other one.
- Wired for Love, Stan Tatkin. How attachment and the nervous system play out between partners.
- Nonviolent Communication, Marshall Rosenberg. A way of speaking and listening that lowers defensiveness on both sides.
The Gottmans
Drs John and Julie Gottman have studied couples for decades. Their ideas map closely onto our work: the "Four Horsemen" (criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling) echo the Relationship Patterns areas, and their research on repair attempts and "turning towards" sits behind our Repair After Conflict area.
- The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman and Nan Silver. The best place to start: research-based habits of couples who last, with exercises.
- The Relationship Cure, John Gottman and Joan DeClaire. "Bids" for connection, and why turning towards them matters, in couples, families and friendships.
- What Makes Love Last?, John Gottman and Nan Silver. How trust is built and broken, and how couples recover from betrayal.
- Fight Right, Julie Schwartz Gottman and John Gottman. How to argue so that conflict brings you closer instead of driving you apart.
- The Love Prescription, John and Julie Gottman. Seven days of small, practical actions to reconnect.
- Eight Dates, John and Julie Gottman, with Doug Abrams and Rachel Carlton Abrams. Eight guided conversations about the things that matter most in a relationship.
- Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, John Gottman. The original research behind the Four Horsemen.
- Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child, John Gottman. "Emotion coaching" for parents. Useful alongside our Childhood Needs work, for readers who are now parents themselves.
Inner critic, shame and self-compassion
- No Bad Parts, Richard Schwartz. Internal Family Systems: the inner critic as a part trying to protect you.
- Self-Compassion, Kristin Neff. The research and the practice.
- Daring Greatly, Brené Brown. Shame, vulnerability and courage.
Men, porn and compulsive behaviour
- Understanding and Treating Sex and Pornography Addiction, Paula Hall. By a UK specialist; written for professionals but readable.
- Out of the Shadows, Patrick Carnes. One of the first books on compulsive sexual behaviour; still widely read.
- Dopamine Nation, Anna Lembke. Why modern pleasures hook us, and how to reset.
- In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts, Gabor Maté. Addiction as a response to pain. Very close to our "nervous system adaptation, not moral failure" framing.
Managing your mind, day to day
- Open When, Julie Smith. Short, practical chapters to dip into when life gets hard.
- Emotional Intelligence 2.0, Travis Bradberry and Jean Greaves. Noticing and managing emotions, in yourself and others.
- The Chimp Paradox, Steve Peters. A simple model for the part of your mind that reacts before you think.
- The Let Them Theory, Mel Robbins. Letting go of trying to control how other people behave.
- Unf*ck Yourself, Gary John Bishop. Blunt and motivating on the stories we tell ourselves.
A note on reading
Some of these books cover painful ground. Go at your own pace, and put a book down if it's stirring up more than you can hold right now. If you need help now, see our Get support now page.
